(from my notes app 26/12/23)
complete disclosure i did nawt read this bk lol
The love
To feel immense love and care for a person is v strange. It’s so real and fleeting and can feel like anxiety, a nervous excitement. I’ve hea4d that this is bad and can be due to a trauma response. I have no idea. It’s weird to feel completely at peace and at the next moment alone to feel completely dishshecelled. I’m lucky to have found love like this. To maybe have met my twin flame. At the same time it is terrifying to be faced with yourself in another person and with such intensity passion and yet calm. I’m met with a strange sense of foreboding after finding the person I would happily spend my future with. I’m left to juggle the present and the present of the future found in another person. Like opening a gift too early on Christmas or getting a hand me down from your cool older sibling you can’t wait to wear but don’t fit in just yet. Patience is key. The ultimate test of abstinence. To be given such a beautiful wonderful gift of love just out of your reach and yet still reachable. To choose not to pursue in the name of growth. But what is wrong with wearing an oversized shirt and beautifully growing into it? What am I afraid of? I’m 22. My future I see with this person is in stone. I believe it everyday. I can’t wait. And yet I can’t let it whisk me away. There is still much more to do and to live. Tests and test. Decisions and decisions. Discipline on top of discipline. I can’t get enough of you yet I have to get enough to be bored and have it over with. I am sitting at the edge of my seat when I know I should be sitting comfortably. Live in the moment. Breathe in the presence. Meditate. Edge ur way back to the back of the chair and let urself slump down. Ease the anticipation. Ease the eagerness. There is much to do and to learn. The fruit will be bountiful if not rushed.
All the time I am wondering is perfection is the goal. But I know it’s not. The goal is self assurance and comfortability in oneself. I am happy here yet unsatisfied with myself. Must I be satisfied to have this love? Maybe I must. I cannot accept my fate as a tornado when I know I can cause destruction. I must turn myself into the breeze before i can learn to float in love. The eagerness comes from an understanding that I am so close to the edge. I can feel myself becoming the breeze and being swept of the cliff peacefully landing in love and not diving. To try something different is to break a cycle. This is what I shall do.
Currently I’m faced with blockages of the heart and brain. Something to work on. In the mean time I shall love as my heart sings it. I decid I seal no fate. I’m to harsh to abrupt whitest also being to lenient. I don’t understand my boundaries or discipline. I want to feel good. I don’t understand. I said I would seal the fate then deleted the sentence in fear of my sentence. To have real control is to relinquish self preservation. To have control over wether to change or to stay the same is the ultimate test of the comfort seeking human. It is to be resilient in the face of pleasure and desire. It is to be accountable for ur life. The idea preserve the self within a low vibrational mind set is to believe you are in control of ur emotions by seeking pleasure creating circumstances. This is not real control. This is because you are manufacturing the idea of control by using vices to change the state of mind. This can be via drugs, sex alcohol etc. to truly be in control is to make an informed decision of positive change.
I don’t necessarily like the word control in this context cuz to me that word seeks to manipulate. The control I am referencing is a self control; it is to be responsible and accountable. True peace entails you have not just accepted responsibility for ur own happiness and the pursuit of self love, self care and honouring your intuition but to also accept the innate unknowing of the future.
Epicurus speaks of different types of desire. Necessary desire, luxury desire, and vain desire. Necessary meaning food, water; the minimum things we need to survive. Luxury meaning fanciful things we would prefer such as a nicer car, or fancier food. And vain desire meaning desires that can never truly be satisfied such as money, fame, status.
In my head there is another category where things such as a desire to create and connect with others come into play. These desires are fruitful to the soul and can nourish a person and make them feel fulfilled. To be creative and to love feels good and nice. However in the context of the modern world these things can easily turn into vain desire. In a capitalist world the desire to be creative can obscure into the desire to gain popularity or monetary gain from creativity. Although not necessarily negative the vain desire of gaining from natural creativity can take away from its nourishing aspect and turn it into an obsession.
I have found that when I yearn to be creative I focus on what I am lacking. I want to be creative but I don’t have th right tools. Instead of this and believing I’m in some sort of lack I pick up the minimum amount of tools I need to create with and try my best to make something. It statiates the souls desire and also positively reinforces the belief that I don’t need specific tools to be creative but what is merely around me in that moment.